SouthParkNews.net La Fabrique
Our factory works 24/7 to produce candy,
and we have over 500 employees.
Here you can see where the cocoa is mixed with the sugar and milk.
- Chocolate rules. - You should know, fat ass.
I'm not fat, you sneaky Jew!
God, really? This again?
Here is where the fudge is put into boxes
to be shipped all over the world.
Like Cartman's dad shipped out on him.
I have a dad, butthole! My mom is my dad!
You guys, stop! You're just rehashing old stuff!
Isn't that Tom Cruise?
It is!
Check it out. Tom Cruise is a fudge packer.
What did you say?
That is Tom Cruise!
How come you're packin' fudge, Mr. Cruise?
I'm not a fudge packer!
Don't be ashamed or anything.
- But I'm not a fudge packer! - Then why are you packing fudge?
I'm not. I'm a very busy actor!
I'm just here trying to get away for a weekend and do some fly fishing!
You are in a fudge factory packing fudge.
That does it. I will sue you!
- For what? - You can't just get away with it!
Is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?
That's it! I'm suing this entire intolerant town!
- But... - No buts!
You wanna accuse somebody of being a fudge packer,
you'll pay the consequences!
I wanna really thank you all for coming.
Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park,
something I know you all can relate to.
- Sure can! - I can't believe it!
That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!
I'm fed up with it. They suggested I was made of shit.
I was just over there doing some fly fishing,
and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer!
- That's crazy! - So wrong!
I know, right?
And other kids in the town and their teacher start joining in!
South Park, Colorado is the most insensitive,
racist and bigoted place in this country!
That town think they can say anything and get away with it.
If anybody has a gripe against that shit hole, it's me.
I say enough.
All of us together can put a stop
to the slander coming from that town once and for all!
No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want!
I ate too much Subway. Where's your bathroom?
Just the door down the hall there.
That's a closet. Go down.
A closet too.
That one's a closet.
That's a closet.
Stan Marsh to the Principal's office, Stan Marsh come immediately.
- What'd you do? - I have no idea.
You just had to push it, didn't you?
You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again!
Did you call him a fudge packer?
He was packing fudge!
Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is.
Tom Cruise has put together a class action lawsuit
along with 200 other celebrities!
They're going to sue the bejeezus out of this entire town.
It wasn't just me. Other kids did, even Mr. Garrison.
But you started it.
Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.
A class action lawsuit means the end of this town.
We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.
Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you have kept your stupid, ugly kid in line?
Don't start blaming me for his looks!
Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry,
and he would do anything to take back his hurtful comments.
That's nice. I'm still suing you all!
Nobody calls me a fudge packer!
It was a terrible mistake.
But maybe you could see how...
Since you do...
take fudge and pack it into a box...
What?
I'm just saying that you are employed currently...
as a person who...
packages...
I'm an actor! I do not pack fudge.
Right. My son just got confused,
because you have a little uniform,
and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge and Candies."
And you are...
It doesn't matter. Just please withdraw the lawsuit.
Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.
There is...
one thing that your town could do...
to maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.
Anything! Anything you want!
There's somebody I've always wanted to meet.
Face to face.
- If you could get him in your town... - Sure! Who is it?
We can get anybody!
Muhammad.
The prophet of the Muslim faith.
That's tricky.
Then you can just get sued!
If there's anybody else we could bring to town we could...
Just him!
You get Muhammad to appear or your little town is done!
People, I know!
But he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we...
get Muhammad to appear in South Park.
Are you nuts?
If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!
- That's right! - You tell 'em.
We don't know that!
Maybe enough time has passed that now it's okay to show Muhammad.
I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.
But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come,
how would we ever find him?
Showing an image of him is completely off limits and censored,
so nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like!
I saw him once.
You did?
A while ago, my friends joined David Blaine's cult.
I had to go to the Super Best Friends. Muhammad was one of them.
And he was out in the open and nobody got bombed?
It was fine.
Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all?
A giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln...
That's enough!
Jesus, you can't learn to shut up, can you?
Now look, I believe we can find Muhammad.
I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch
of what Muhammad could look like today.
Don't!
Is that okay to show?
I don't know. I guess we'll see.
What is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense.
You said we were just suing South Park!
I said we were going to use South Park
to make sure we never got ripped on again.
Look, people, all of us get ridiculed,
but who is the one person on this earth
that is completely free from slander?
You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?
He has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of.
What if we could harness that power?
What if nobody could call your music drunken frat boy monkey garbage?
I'd love it.
By taking what Muhammad has, we would all be safe from ridicule.
Like Tim Burton here!
Imagine it.
Nobody could rip on you for all your rehashed movies lately.
No TV show would point out you're unoriginal since Beetlejuice
and you always put Johnny Depp and the same crappy music
and that if you love Johnny Depp, you should have sex with him.
A TV show could never say that?
Gee, that'd be swell.
It can be a reality.
Once we have Muhammad, we can take his power from him!
Excuse me.
This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?
It's one of the kids from South Park that slandered me!
I didn't come for me.
I'm just an escort for another celebrity who wants to get in on your lawsuit.
Who?
Jennifer Lopez!
I am Jennifer Lopez and I like tacos and burritos!
In the great hall of the Super Best Friends,
there are assembled the leaders of the world's biggest religions!
Jesus!
Buddha!
Krishna!
Muhammad!
Lao Tsu and Joseph Smith!
And the mighty Semen!
It's not Semen. It's Seaman!
Their mission,
to right that which is wrong
and to serve all mankind!
All we're asking is to bring Muhammad to our town for an hour.
My son, much has changed since you were last here.
Muhammad cannot make public appearances.
We simply cannot risk any violence from the Muslim people.
Not you guys too!
Jesus fucking Christ!
Later, at the hall of the Super Best Friends!
Will you let him come to South Park if we dress him up like a pirate?
Muslims would still be angry you showed his face.
What if we cover his face with a paper bag?
You'd still show him walking around. That could be trouble.
A suit of armor, so that you can't see anything.
But it's still Muhammad walking around in human form.
Come on, this is ridiculous!
Boys, you must understand that people get very offended when he is mocked,
because he is a religious figure!
Buddha, don't do coke in front of kids!
A U-Haul. What if we bring him in a U-Haul
and he stays in there out of sight?
But he's talking from the U-Haul?
He has to, or nobody knows he's in there!
Hearing his voice, I dunno. What do you think, Moses?
Would there be windows on the U-Haul?
There doesn't have to be.
I guess...
I guess that would be okay.
Here it is!
Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us his power
to not be made fun of.
You're talking crazy.
Only Muhammad has that ability. How could we ever get it from him?
We take his goo.
It's as simple as that.
Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo
which is inside every person on earth.
Any goo can be harvested from a person's body
and easily placed into another.
Wait. You mean we aren't gonna sue and get a bunch of money?
We've all got enough money!
Who needs more money? We need to get Muhammad's goo!
Excuse us.
What do you think you're doing?
What am I doing? Just having some fun.
Cut the crap. I thought we were here for money!
Just keep your mouth shut and do what I tell you.
If we're staying, I want to know what's going on.
Don't forget I know who you really are.
Mitch Conner.
If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouth shut.
You're a no good swindler and a two-bit thief.
We were here for money, not goo!
Think about it.
Muhammad is the only person that can't get ripped on.
Those celebrities want his goo.
So what?
You know what it's worth on the open market?
I got people in Hong Kong would give me 50 mil for that goo.
So we let them take it from Muhammad, then we steal it for ourselves.
You catch on quick.
Someone's coming. Get my wig back on!
I was seeing if you need...
You found my fudge packing uniform.
Your secret is safe with me.
We are so sorry for doubting you.
You really did bring us Muhammad.
Thank you so much for coming.
You're welcome.
- Is that okay? - I don't know.
We need to figure out how to get Muhammad
from the truck into Tom Cruise's limo.
What? We promised he'd stay in the truck.
Cruise's lawyers were very specific.
He's sending a limo for Muhammad to meet him outside of town.
But Muhammad can't be seen!
- We'll put a sheet over him. - You can't even show his feet.
How about a Halloween costume with one of those plastic masks?
You could still see his eyes.
How about like a big mascot outfit.
One that covered him completely, not even showing his eyes.
Would that be okay?
We've just received word from the lawyers.
South Park is saying they have Muhammad for us!
- Will the machine be ready? - It'll be ready!
More tacos!
I want more!
No more tacos!
- More tacos. - You just had seven tacos!
- I want more tacos! - I'm sorry.
- Why are you doing this? - I am Jennifer Lopez.
I need tacos to live!
You're not really Jennifer Lopez. Now, stop pissing me off!
I can go. What do you want, three tacos?
Thank you, Charlie Sheen!
And maybe an Enchirito too?
They don't even make Enchiritos anymore!
- Yes, they do! - I tried getting one last week.
Not all Tacos Bells have Enchiritos, but some still carry them.
Will somebody shut her up?
The limo's here. Thanks again for doing this.
You've done this town a huge favor.
Hold on a second!
Stop! There are some extremists
threatening that if we give Muhammad to the celebrities, they'll bomb us!
What?
It's a stupid threat.
We don't wanna piss of Tom Cruise again.
All right, we got him!
Are you okay?
What was that?
Obviously, the terrorists are for real!
What does that paper say?
"We have placed bombs all over your city.
"You will give Muhammad to us.
"Celebrities want Muhammad for his power to not be ridiculed.
"We want that power.
"Hazaa."
- They want his power? - What kind of extremists are these?
You won't believe it.
Our time is near!
Soon gingers will never be made fun of again!
Hazaa!
- Where do you think you're going? - I'm through with your stupid plans.
I've got better things to do!
You're gonna walk away from 50 mil?
Let me by.
You walk away now and you'll regret it forever.
Screw this. Find yourself another partner.
Then I guess I won't tell you about your father.
My father?
Thought that might get your attention.
You know nothing about your dad, right?
I know enough. My mother is a hermaphrodite.
So she is actually my father.
You really still believe that garbage?
The people in your town sold you that line!
Come on, you've had to have doubted it all along.
How would you know anything about who my family is?
I know all about the swindles and schemes in this dead end town.
You got lied to, by the people who were closest to you.
I can prove it too, but I'll want something in return.
If you made this up to keep me around...
Take me where I tell you.
When you learn the truth, you'll learn to trust me.
Nobody else.
People, try to evacuate in an orderly fashion.
We do not have the resources to deal with this situation.
A full evacuation is impossible.
Jesus Christ, what are we supposed to do?
We have to give in to the demands!
I'm sorry,
but we'll have to give you over to the gingers.
- We can't hand him over to them! - We said we'd take care of him!
Our homes and lives are at stake!
We made a promise, to Jesus.
Jesus doesn't matter where Muhammad is involved.
That'll be Tom Cruise.
So what's going on?
I'm afraid we...
can't give Muhammad to you.
What do you mean, you're not giving him to us?
There are these gingers saying
if we don't give him to them they'll bomb us.
- Gingers? - Hell no!
Please understand that we have no choice.
You're gonna give Muhammad to gingers instead of us
just because they are threatening you with violence?
We can play that game too!
You wanna see violence, you got it!
God damn stupid assholes!
They wanna play rough? Okay!
Go and get some automatic rifles. We'll go in there.
We'll take Muhammad by force. We're gonna show 'em!
We can't be seen getting violent.
That would kill our careers!
The only way we'll get him
is by getting just as violent with South Park as the gingers!
Fine. Then let's have her do it.
Her, who?
You know, her.
Right, her!
There she is.
Barbara Streisand.
My God! She's even more terrifying than I remembered.
Barbara Streisand hasn't been active for a long time.
Are we sure we wanna do this?
Mrs. Streisand was blown apart in the town of South Park.
She's probably more angry at that town than any of us.
Power her up.
Release the Kiken!
It's me, Rob Reiner.
Listen, we're taking on South Park and we really need your help.
We figured you're pissed off at South Park too, right?
She's pissed all right.
What are you doing here?
Did you all lie to me?
All of you, in that room?
When you told me my mother was my father?
What?
Are you still worried about that ol' issue...
I don't trust you. I want to talk to Mr. Hat.
I haven't used Mr. Hat in a long time...
I said get Mr. Hat!
Put it on.
Do the voice.
Hello, kids! It's me, Mr. Hat.
Good to see you. Hell of a night, isn't it?
I don't believe I know you.
Mitch Conner.
Flew the same division as you back in Saigon.
This is silly. Why don't we stop...
Keep your hand up.
All right, gingers.
We have Muhammad for you.
Now hand over the detonators.
First, you gotta prove that's still Muhammad in there.
Have him step out of the bear costume.
We can't do that.
Show us it's Muhammad or South Park is finished!
Dammit, Mitch, you're asking questions that shouldn't be answered.
So you admit it. There was a cover up.
Don't say anymore!
- Tell him what you know! - All right.
Your father was in the room the day of your DNA test.
But the results were tampered with.
By who?
God dammit. Who is my father?